From the time he got the sense of understanding,
The only thing he ever searched for was love
From the widest streets to the deepest corners
From idols to people, he kept on searching
The first time he ever found that was in his maternal grandparents and their family
Well good things seldom last
Off he goes to a far away place,
A new start, a new scenery
He meets all sorts of people.

Wholesome lives and hollow packages
Devilish grins and subtle smiles
Friendly faces and masked countenances
He came to know its called the boarding life.
This phase was mostly dark like the sun and the moon
They decided to play a game of hide and seek
Result, the darkest eclipse.

He didn't know how to behave in a situation like that
From his nani running behind him with his favorite food
To that humongous dining halls where thy sat like prisoners with plates and spoons.

Food he ate what he could, what he liked, on other days he pretended he did and went of to bed, following orders as said. He met friends along the way some stabbed him in the back, some led him dismay, oh there were the good ones too, that brought him through and as a result he writes to you.

Oh the hostel life, ragging is an amazing culture, the seniority, the hard headed masculinity. All they were after was their convenience, get this, write that, oh you got food from home, give it to us, well sharing is caring right, so little by little everything disappeared.

I remember so much so clearly, standing in lines, pretending we were balls except no one would use us to bowl instead a random batman would hit us till our behinds were sore and he felt like a six was scored. Fault could have been our at times but are you sure it was all the time?

When you live in a place where people come from well off families and you have matured enough in the small time you spent with them that your family can't afford it, my dad he tried his best to prove me wrong, he gave me more than he could, even when I thought he should rather get his sandals fixed.

You see i don't know what family is, i don't know what my personality is, i change with circumstances, from diamond to dust, from iron to rust, that's all I ever learnt... Adapting. From that year 2000 till now all the family time i have had is my vacations and how much do you accomplish there?

Boarding gave me so much, it made me realize so many things, it gave me friends that i still look up to, it gave me memories, memories of happiness, sadness, angst, helplessness, misery and what not. It gave me personalities, it gave me a mask, in my ears it whispered don’t take it off or they will rip you to shreds. I was a thief, a good friends, a computer and karate enthusiast, a loner at times, a person who was just getting by.

Bullied, shunned, scorned, loved, forgotten, so many things i felt at once, yet when i look back at those days they were second to none, yeah they made me who i am today, a broken but a very compassionate human being. Thanks to the few who stuck by me and led me to light or i would have drowned in that sorry sight.

While my life unraveled in those corners or my school, there were so many times i begged, take me out, i don't want to go through this anymore. I can't take it, its becoming to overwhelming but my cries were considered lies, lies of a boy who wants to stay with family who wants to runaway from a future of prosperity. Maybe, I don't consider you wrong. But look at what i have become.

I have seen and experienced so much, but I always kept looking for love, a little warmth, i kept shouting i don't want to be dragged down to the depth of darkness, i ran and ran, from places to places. From people to people, looking for a positive face who would give me shelter.

When i sit alone i wonder what love is, what a family is, well i have seen my family function, they are so loving and hideous at the same time but i wanted to be a part of that family i wanted to be up close, living laughing and experiencing the love and the darkness that comes along, maybe, just maybe i would have been a different person.

Since I couldn't have a piece of that i widened my radar and search far, every time stopping and giving all that i can give wondering if this is what it could be. But i have witnessed this in true sense all i love just goes away, so did my nani and my maasi. The people I loved the most is the world. I became numb, i truly succumbed, to be outright and honest, I was never able to love myself, I don't know why, I have always felt so unwanted. Oh sure people say so many things but then this is the feeling that stays with me.

What's my fault? I want to be loved, that's all I want, nothing more nothing less. I don't want your money, i don't want your fame, i will even take your pain, just love me, make me feel i belong, make me feel my existence matters, make me feel i am finally home.

That accident did happen, that person did die. That person did blame me, that person did go away. But i told myself I am better than this... I can't give up, i continued living then i met someone else, someone with i could truly connect. New memories, even they have their problems and even they want things to change, so one day the person calls, i knew that would be the last, they say they prefer the past, i die inside, another bag of haunting memories to carry another load to travel with but i know their situation i slide off to my corners, trying to gain my courage, trying harder to be sane.

People say i am strong, maybe I am, maybe I am not, maybe I am just too good at pretending. If you see me up close you would know i am just a normal thin, shabby looking like guy who smells of cigarettes. I break down, i just want all of this to be over.

Life it has this amazing ways of showing you that the moment you think everything has finally settled and you can look forward, it will bring things crashing down. About a year and half back i met this person, a thin, short, simple, sober, gentle person. The first time we met, i felt she is the epitome of contradiction, why? Coz through out the time while me and her friends we spoke she never stopped smiling but whenever I could get a glimpse of her eyes they had different stories to tell. Later in the days i found some of their tales. We shared some things in common, both broken by life but she was different in so many ways, she would land a barrage of negativity but she would still get through, its like she has become so numb that it doesn't matter if these shards of glasses flying towards her are cutting her or wounding her she will just walk through for as long as she could, her eyes had this will of never to succumb. Even though she had given up long on her feelings and desires. We connected, and how could we not, she was a writer, her poems, they don't follow the conventional rhythmic style, they just tell stories but they say so much. How could I not fall. The more I got to know her, the more I became hers. For the first time in a long time i felt loved, the moment she would see me, she would hold me and not let go and we will talk and talk and talk. It was like i lost track of time, i would wait for those Saturdays more that i ever did for my birthday. She was the first ever person who introduced me to her family, where they knew how we felt about each other, her family they treated me with so much love, affection and care that there are no words that i can use to express that, like i gained what i always wished for, love. She was there and so was her family, its the best part of my life that i remember.

But then i don't know what happened, things started slipping away, everything was in a dismay. I succumbed to the confined spaces of my room, crying, raging, wailing. Turns out my old friend depression had come to meet me. It kept twisting and turning things in my head, like my insides were being ripped to shreds. I couldn't talk to anybody about it, it was killing me. The only person i wanted then was her but i guess i burdened her too much, when she herself was going through so much. like everything else even she started slipping away.

This depression is a part of me, so basically i ruined everything my self right? I lost my job, i lost my home, the one i had finally found, that feeling of settlement, of having a future, a family together and what not, it all felt like a dream that shattered. Every now and then my miserable self keeps knocking on those doors, seeking shelter, seeking a sense of existence, seeking a sense of belonging.

The present state is that the phoenix has lost its mighty blaze and its mystic powers and i really wonder, will it be able to rise from its ashes once again? 

Yes i am a shut in, yes i drink and smoke till my head is in no condition to think, till my body gives up and i am off to sleep, yes i don't go out and i fear people, i fear the world's out to get me. But i ask myself for how long will this continue? I keep looking for a ray of positivity, i have become a loner once again with no sense of direction. Yeah i know i am the worst example of a living human being, i even wonder if i am human or just a shadow waiting to disappear.

My phone is constantly on do not disturb so i can't get calls, with only one number allowed to pass that seldom calls. This isn't a poetry its a story of a creature that grew so much in such a less time, so unexpectedly and so unnecessarily, i wonder if i didn't know about life or experiences as much as i know wouldn't have i been a happy person, just thinking about myself.

Is it time to give up now? Is it time to just let go and disappear, the head says yes, the heart says no.
To be honest i don't know. But if i do. I hope I am remembered in whatever way i may be. 

One of the people i used to very closely follow -Chester Benington, his songs they said so much, he always sang about his life his pain, even at this point when he is gone, while he succumbed to his demons he left behind so much for us to understand. His song Heavy is what describes my state at the present. I believe the more you're hurt and have fallen the more you learn compassion and attain a a perspective to look at things differently. Currently my being is filled with negativity and despair and angst, i feel angry towards the world, how can it be so unfair? but there are so many deserving and compassionate people her in this world as well, i look at them and see if i can do even the tiniest thing to help, even a smile, even just listening to their stories anything. I hope in whatever short life i have lived or for however long i will live, i just hope that my presence mattered that my being there made it easier even one bit, i know i cannot send people to mars or venus if i could wouldn't have i set a course to the raging sun for myself?

Well, so much to say but what's the point. adios folks. take care and as Ellen DeGeneres says, Be kind to one another. Ciao.